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[Doug (Ancient) Wojtowicz]

the following text are actual reviews for the http://www.amazon.com/Zenith-96-0529-4035-Tourbillon-Titanium-Chronograph/dp/B001K3IXW8.

    The Zenith Men's Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Titanium Chronograph Watch or Z.M.D.X.T.B.T.C.M. as I like to call it, is by far the most awesome watch. Chuck Norris riding into the Super Bowl on the back of Godzilla and round house kicking the crowd is no where near as awesome as this priceless poon magnet. When I was just moments from sending my $100k to some needy neo-hippie help group, I stumbled onto this gem. It was like the heavens opened and Jesus himself appeared with this same watch on. I mean how can you not follow Jesus when he's rocking a watch of this caliber. So I asked "What would Jesus do?" Jesus pimp smacked me and said "Forget those hippies, buy the watch!" I was like "HECK YEAH." I busted out my Discover card and bought this rocking piece of art. I mean its art but its also practical too. Like when I take my summer trips to the Marianas Trench, I have no more worries that I am going to miss Tea Time back on the yacht, because water ruined my watch again. It can withstand the immense pressures of the deep due to the wicked awesome titanium. Deep seas, cant beat this. Bullets cant beat this. Heck, I can deflect cruise missiles and the apocalypse. With a watch like this you don't need to tell time, you tell people what time it is.

    It was shortly after the onset of the French Revolution that I decided to retire to my techno-chrono bio-stasis chamber under the sea, to wait out the political upheaval. My physical self thusly preserved, I hunkered in for the long wait, my 1785 Zenith Men's Defy Xtreme Pocket Watch ticking away serenely in my waistcoat pocket. I procured from the pantry (all my cabinetry is composed of a humble gold-platinum-diamond alloy) a chess set made from the bones of leprechauns I poached from my airship, and settled into a most fascinating match, with myself. I must have lost track of time, for some moments later I noticed that my trusty time-piece had ceased its ticking. A brief glance at my instruments revealed that I had wiled away the hours with a greater rapidity than I could have imagined! The year was 2010, some 221 years after I sat down for chess! Quickly, I climbed to the surface and attempted to acclimate myself once again to society. Alas, much had changed since my departure, and a key stumbling point for me was my inability to tell time. As such, I set about to find a watch suited to my everyday needs. I was fortunate that my previously not-inconsiderable accounts had garnered some not-inconsiderable interest, and therefore were now tremendously not-inconsiderable. I purchased this watch from a fellow - Amazon - whose stock of wares was impressively vast. Hereafter follows a delineated account of my arguments for the watch, as well as those against:

    Arguments in the Watch's Favor:
    -Tells Time with acceptable accuracy
    -Complimentary PhD., which comes in the box
    -Power to Alter Reality through Dark Arcane Magicks
    -Deployable Cheese Wheel

    Arguments Against the Watch:
    -Slightly Heavy on the Wrist
    -Does not come in a Left-Handed model
    -Built-in Baby Seal Generator didn't work as well as advertised
    -Will not fend off ravenous sharks/bears/etc. unless properly motivated and well-rested
    -Always tick, never tock

    This watch sets all precedents. This is the watch Jesus Christ would have worn if Christians believed in time. You may see silly reviews on this watch from naysayers; Rest assure these are merely poor people whom cannot afford the hefty price tag for a watch that literally keeps time. That's right, you actually purchase time itself with the purchase of this watch.

    Personally speaking, I prefer to wear this watch on my ankle. That way, when i walk over street urchins begging for money; they can see what time it is. That and because I lost both of my arms from a car wrecked caused by trying to figure out what time it is on this damned thing. :/

    FYI: I'm typing with my tongue.

    I actually found this watch at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico whilst free diving. It was laying quietly atop a humpback anglerfish around 1000 meters down, when suddenly the bio-luminescence of the angler's lure illuminated the glittering titanium of the Defy Xtreme. I had about 16 minutes left of air in my lungs and knew it'd be no trouble wrastling that steer of a fish to the ocean floor and relinquishing it of it's crown jewel. Once the Chronograph was procured, I began my ascent of the 3300 foot span of water above me. I realized I should have worn a diving mask at this point because the angler's poo-poo (which it released during our brief struggle) was stinging at my eyes nearly all the way to the surface. Once I made it to the surface however, my yacht made entirely of hot dogs (The Whistlin' Dixie), perhaps you've heard of it, was waiting for me with a bottle of actual mermaid tears. Took the sting right out.

    Once dry with my clean towel made entirely of carbon nanotubes and snow seal fur, I tried the watch on. I noticed immediately that my goiter disappeared and that several of my DNA pairs were cleaned up, so as to alleviate my chances of getting that pesky hereditary cancer my family carries.

    All in all I would recommend this watch to anyone with a golden parachute.

    A fortnight ago, while I was out riding around my 250 sq mile, late-triassic garden atop my genetically altered t-rex/kraken hybrid, I somehow lost my pure space-diamond, anti-matter powered timepiece. When I returned from my little foray to my hyperbolic moon-diamond nuclear powered crystal domicile, I was in a rather off mood due to the bothersome fact that I was entirely unable to be aware of the time. Of course, my quantum-entanglement hyper-dimensional clock was accurate across at least 34 branes. However, it is far too cumbersome to carry around on my person, especially whilst I am driving my Bugatti Veyron that I have modified to be a most enjoyable off-road/sub-aquatic vehicle.

    It was then that I happened across the Zenith Men's 96.0529.4035/51.m Defy Xtreme Tourbillion Titanium Chronograph Watch. I was quite impressed by it's physical appearance and the purported capabilities (the fact that it is durable down to a depth of 1000m is perfect for my bi-weekly mermaid hunts with the ascended ghost of Carl Sagan and that old rapscallion Qwaerú-h'Ylala from the 28 1/2th dimension). I almost did not procure this watch from Amazon (which I own) due to the fact that I did not want to be associated with the peasantry. I mean, a mere $86,000.00? My nano-carbon-fibre-tube napkins cost triple that. However, upon reading some of my fellows reviews, I swallowed my pride (literally; I extracted the essence of my feeling of pride from my psyche and converted it to a liquid form, spiced it up with a hint of unicorn's horn dust and 2,341 year old scotch, and drank the concoction) and purchased the watch.

    And must I say, I could not be happier.

    I have found this watch to be far more useful and amazing than expected. Now, my dinosaur hunts are even more exciting with the watches built-in anti-matter missile battery and techno-temporal singularity launcher. Also, with the assistance of this watch and my team of Thor, the archangel Gabriel, Mark Twain and Winston Churchill (all of whom also had this watch equipped), I was able to easily conquer the Realm of Vampyres.

    I could go on and on about this wonderful timepiece, however Michio Kaku just rang my phone requesting my assistance with domesticating a recently discovered sentient black-hole. I dare say, if you are in need of a most handsome and reliable timepiece, you cannot go wrong with the Zenith Men's 96.0529.4035/51.m Defy Xtreme Tourbillion Titanium Chronograph Watch.

and the crown jewel:

    In the fires of Mount Doom, One watch was crafted to allow man to keep track of time. No longer would man be forced to guess what time it is, and miss important occasions like dinner, weddings, and job interviews. When I received the watch, having payed for it with the treasure I had stolen from the mines of Moria, I found myself drawn to it. It was, precious, to me. When I first put it on, the fiery eye of lord Sauron appeared, fixated on my watch. It spoke to me. It had forged a ring, the one ring, but alas, no ring, no matter where it was forged, could tell the dark lord the time.

    Since owning this watch, it has never left my wrist. I often dream about it. Strange things have happened since I first put it on. Years have passed and my friends and families have told me that I haven't aged a day, or they did before they banished me for reason I don't understand. Their just jealous of my precious. They wants it, but they cant's have it. It is mine. My own. My Zenith Men's 96.0529.4035/51.M Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Titanium Chronograph Watch. My precious.

    It is not safe. They wants is. They wants my watch. I see them. They are coming for it. I fled to Moria, but alas they followed. They have taken the bridge and the second hall. I have barred the gates, but can not hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums, drums in the deep. I cannot get out. A shadow moves in the dark. I cannot get out. They are coming.

    It is here. A Balrog, a demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond me. At least now I will know the time of my death.

[Lane Adamson]

Chuck Norris doesn't need a watch.  There's always time for Chuck Norris.

[Doug (Ancient) Wojtowicz]